Friday, March 26, 2010

Thankless acts...

(Note to reader: This post may be pretty vague as to protect the identity of those I will be writing about…and I’m sorry if my rant offends you, but I’m frustrated and tired of trying. Also, this rant has nothing to do with any one of you- so please don’t feel like it does.)

There are only a couple of people in my life that cause me any stress. Mostly, I consider myself extremely blessed to have such an amazing group of friends and family who support me and encourage me daily. This morning, however, I can’t stop thinking about the few that leave me in almost a constant state of frustration and hurt feelings.

Do any of you have someone in your life that never shows appreciation for hard work you do on their behalf? Or for a well-thought out gift you give? I know that the point of gift giving is NOT about how well or how much the recipient thanks you, but it can be hard to work so hard on something and then have no appreciation shown whatsoever. I am a pleaser; there is no doubt about that. I try hard to give thoughtful, meaningful gifts and I love having the ability to be generous as much as possible.

Until now. I am tired of straining over finding or making the perfect gift for someone, only to have it be set aside without so much as a thank you. I honestly don’t think it would bother me nearly as much if I weren’t already expecting to be disappointed. It’s like I am always hoping that “This time” it will be different. Don’t get me wrong- It’s not like I get upset if I don’t receive a thank you card for a gift given to anyone else. (In fact, I would never expect such a thing- gifts are most fun when they are surprises and my intention is not to receive credit but merely for the excitement of giving someone something I know they will love). (So, please don’t think I’m saying I NEED you to write me a thank you note, that’s not my point at all. Rather, I am saying that I would just like some sort of appreciation from only these certain few…only the ones I know I’ll never get it from. If that makes sense. I know the rest of you appreciate my friendship…).

I think I’m just more upset with myself than anything. I continue to strive and give something I think this person, or persons, will really love and maybe, just maybe, this time they will show some emotion- ANYTHING! So, why do I keep trying? Today I explained it to a coworker as the “Wanting my daddy to love me syndrome”. Instead of focusing extra attention and love on those I know appreciate thoughtfulness and friendship, I keep banging my head against the wall trying to squeeze an ounce of gratitude (or SOMEthing) out of these few.

As I just reread what I had typed so far, it became increasingly clear to me that one of my “love languages” is gift giving. It is pretty evident from what I’m writing that I give gifts as a way of trying to show my love. So, maybe that is why it hurts so much to not get that love in return.

Well, the buck stops here. I am done with that. No, I’m not saying I am casting these people to the curb and out of my life. I am just saying that I am done killing myself trying to win their approval. I want to spend my time and energy on the rest of my friends and family- the ones I already know love me and “approve” of me. I want to “commit random acts of kindness and senseless beauty” on those who will at least smile as I do so. I have been blessed with SO MANY great people and I want to use my time to show them how much they all mean to me. And that includes YOU friend (whoever might be reading this). Today is about YOU! However God can use me to bless our friendship, or brighten your day, so be it! I’m ready!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Weight of Uncertainty

There are a lot of possible changes in my new future and thoughts of what might be are starting to weigh me down. As most of you know, Jason has been interviewing for positions in churches. He has been called back out to one church, in Herrick, IL, several times now. In fact, this coming week they will have a congregation vote on whether to hire him.

This is a very exciting time for us, for many reasons. First, Jason has been striving to find a church family for us to work with for some time now. I could see him starting to get very discouraged at how responses had been going. But now!! We might actually have found the place God wants us to go.

With that, though, comes a certain amount of stress. I am not typically one who worries about the unknown- especially in instances such as this, I know God is in control and that He will provide as long as we do what He is calling us to do. This time is different, I have to admit.

There is A LOT swirling through my head- health insurance, bills, budgeting a new(smaller) salary, moving, leaving friends, leaving family, the list goes on. Amidst all this, though, I have one very happy thought- if all works out as we hope, I will be able to stay home and raise Emilia myself!!! Man, I can’t tell you how excited I am about this!!! I have always wanted to be able to stay home with my kids and take care of them myself, as well as take care of the house, cooking, etc. It looks like if Jason gets the job at this church, this dream will become a reality!

And while I am beyond ecstatic about this, it has stresses of its own. This means quitting my job to move. I love my job and I love the people I work for. I hate feeling like I’m letting anyone down by leaving. (I know they won’t be mad or anything, because they all know that Jason has been sending out resumes). It also means leaving behind the life I have known for the past 18+ years. I grew up in the church we are currently attending, and even though I may not agree with everything that happens there all the time, it is still my home. The elders of our church, and one minister in particular, looked over my as a child as if I were their own daughter. Rick has been more of a father to me at times than my own. Add to that the fact that I still get to see most of my childhood friends on a weekly basis and then all the new friends I have made along the way and you’ll see how this place is practically my whole life. I always knew I would eventually be leaving with Jason for a new job, but it doesn’t take away the sting.

I am scared of being lonely. I am scared that I will struggle to find new people I can call friends, or even just people I see every so often that I enjoy and that enjoy me. I have already started researching local MOPS groups and even thought about taking a Zooma class as a way to meet new people. But, let’s face it, I’m not the world’s greatest at meeting new people. I am also thinking of getting myself a sewing machine, in hopes of maybe picking up a hobby to help me cope with a new, slower, less people-oriented lifestyle. (And yes, I know I will be part of a new church. But, this congregation’s median age is probably close to 70. And while they are all lovely people, and I look forward to getting to know them, I cannot see deep friendships blossoming in large numbers there. This is more about me needing to redirect my energy and work on being OK with some “alone” time)

I feel like I need to apologize, I think this might be getting a tad whiney. That really wasn’t my intention. I was merely trying to relate my feelings of nervousness, stress and uncertainty. I hope you aren’t too annoyed by reading this. And also, I hope you still know that I am completely thankful that God is bringing this (possible) opportunity our way!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Reading AND Dreaming??

These are two things I rarely (if ever) do.

Most of you probably already know that I am NOT a reader. The closest I come to reading is picking up the occasional gossip magazine, and that is usually only when one of my favorite people happens to be on the cover. I’ll pick up Jennifer Aniston every time. Aside from that, I have never really cared for reading as a hobby…I think it is mostly because I have a short attention span and would end up having to read each page at least a couple times before I could remember anything. (annoying.)

Recently, this changed. My friend (and now coworker) LeeAnn was telling me how she was so excited to read “The Last Song” before the movie came out. Well, I had watched the commercials for the movie and (aside from wishing someone other than Miley Cyrus was the lead actress), I really wanted to see it. So, that is when an idea was born! Why not give this “reading” thing another shot? Jason seemed rather excited for me to be actually saying the words “I think I want to read a book…” So, he made sure to point it out the next time we were at Target. $6.99 special, not bad.

I have to say, I am actually enjoying this! Instead of sitting mindless in front of the TV for an hour or two before bed, I find myself anxiously waiting until I go upstairs to pick up with the story again. I am still a little slow (as far as reading is concerned), but I am truly enjoying it. The book is *really* good! It is a sweet little love story. Completely predictable (so far), but what love story isn’t? Boy meets girl, girl either loves him or hates him, and eventually they re-love each other. The end, *tear*. (Don’t get me wrong, I am eating this UP! I don’t care how predictable parts of it are)…and I have no idea how the last 100 pages are going to go…I’m so excited to see what happens (although I’m pretty scared it won’t be a happy ending)

And the more I read about Miley’s character (Ronnie), the more I can see exactly why she was cast. Ronnie is spunky and full of personality, as is Miley. So, I think that is another great benefit to reading the book first- now I won’t be sitting there, watching the movie, the whole time thinking that I don’t really like her for this role.

So, I’ll be sure to let you know how I like it once I’m done…I am *hoping* I can finish it tonight…but Jason and Justin are playing in an alumni volleyball game…so we shall see.

If you remember my subject line (from so long ago….geezo, I am long winded!!), it says reading AND dreaming. That’s right, I am also dreaming now! What?? I haven’t really dreamt since I had Emilia, and before my pregnancy, I wasn’t really dreamer either. I really like my dreamless sleep, it’s so nice and relaxing, and I don’t feel exhausted when I wake up. But ever since I started reading before bedtime, I dream Every.Night. Some nights aren’t so bad…but last night wore me out!! Of course, I can’t remember anything from my dreams, except that I wake up several times a night, tossing and turning and completely engrossed in whatever is happening in dreamland. It is nuts! Good thing I’m not reading a suspense thriller book or a murder mystery…who knows what that would do to me!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Naked for Easter

Today, my plans for my lunch hour were to run to Target for a return and then shop for an Easter dress. I had already looked online, so I had an idea of what I wanted. I grabbed up a couple that were cute and headed to the dressing room…

This is the little beauty I knew I loved before I even tried it on.

This was the only dress that I didn’t even check the price tag before grabbing it up (don’t worry, it was only $40- same as all the rest of them pretty much). Anyway, I grabbed the last size 16 and looked for a size 14, in case the 16 was a little baggy. No 14. Well, let’s just hope this one will fit. It was HUGE! (Side note- of course, this is awesome because it means I was too small for a size 16!!)

So, I kindly asked the dressing room attendant to check the other stores for either a 14 or a 12(thought I could maybe squeeze into it and just not eat for a week or so!). While she scanned the item, called other locations, etc., I couldn’t help but notice her AH.MAZ.ZING booby tattoo…she had two eyes and the words “All eyes on me”. That’s “Really Nice”.

Anyway, no luck for Annie. No stores in our area had Either size. MAN! I knew this dress was too perfect to be true. The color was beautiful, the cut was nice and it made me feel pretty.

It only gets worse- I thought I would just bite the bullet and order the dress in both sizes online, then return whichever didn’t fit. They don’t even HAVE it on there anymore!!! They have it in lilac and in black. I don’t need any more black dresses and I’m not crazy about purple.

I know this post is not fun, encouraging or uplifting, whatsoever…but I just needed to share my misfortune with someone. I am sorry it had to be you. So, that is it. That is why I will be naked for Easter. (No, I'm not really this pathetic- I'm sure another dress will come along...it just stinks that I found the "one" and don't get to wear it!)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

*Exclusive* Sneak Peek (O:

I'm not sure if you guys are tired of hearing me go ON and ON about Emilia's upcoming 1st birthday party, but here's something else. (Also, I'm not really sorry...but I do feel a little bad when I don't have anything else to post about that you might find more interesting...)

Anyway! Last night I finished her TUTU! Yayy for cuteness! I snapped a quick picture of her onesie (with the buttons finally attached) and the tutu. I will probably put either jeans or some sort of leggings under the tutu on b-day too.


PS- I think the reason I get so excited about this stuff is because I am actually *enjoying* some craft stuff! It is rare that I want to do anything crafty, and even more rare that I actually enjoy it. So far, I am really enjoying all these little projects that are taking her party from fun to over-the-top awesome! (haha) (O:

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Eyebrow Invasion of 2010

Do you ever hear those commercials for Laser Hair Removal? Unless you never listen to the radio, I am sure you have (if you’re in the STL area). Every time I hear one, I think about what “body part” I would have done, if I could afford it. Today, I decided it would be my eyebrows.

My eyebrow saga dates way back to high school when they were thick, curly and out of control. I never knew this, but I had a friend tell me I had to get them waxed, plucked, trimmed, etc. before prom. Well, that definitely made a difference. They really did look a lot better- I had no idea I needed such help!

Ever since then I have done my best to keep up with them. This is not a small task, seeing as mine grow like weeds. I can pluck the heck out of them one day and swear that they are completely cleaned up only to find a bunch of new ones the very next day! Add to that the fact that I am a sissy and cringe with each pluck. It takes me forever to get them done because I go so slowly. (Such a baby!)

Anyway, I am sorry for this weird post. I know you don’t really care about my eyebrows (except you Jaime…I feel you judging me for them not being manicured properly). But, I can’t stop thinking about them because they need some SeriouS work. Maybe this weekend.

So, where would YOU get laser hair removal? ;-)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Little Joys...

One of my favorite things about myself (sorry if that sounds self-centered) is how easily I find joy and entertainment, even in the smallest of things. I sincerely consider it a blessing that the smallest thing can brighten my day or change my mood. I am also easily excitable. I love this very much! This morning, while getting ready for my day, I kept having new thoughts pop into my head and I was getting more and more excited and joyful!

First, today is Tuesday! Even though I always say I don’t like Tuesdays because I don’t think I look good in my olive scrub top (Superficial, yes. Honest, also yes.), there are a bunch of things I am excited for today. We have our Tuesday running group tonight!! I am so glad this seems to be sticking for us. (We can sometimes tend to be a group that starts something and doesn’t keep up with it for very long…) Last week I was pumped- hoping to run at least 2 miles. Sadly, I made it only one mile before giving in to the cold and my heavy legs. I was a little disappointed, but also tried to encourage myself because I haven’t been running much lately. So, how could I expect to just pick right back up? But THEN (!!), this past Saturday, I blew myself away! My hubby went running with me at the park near our home and I smoked my old PR by 6 minutes! We ran a full 3.1 miles in 38:00! Woo!! So, I am excited to get out there tonight and push myself, since I KNOW I can do it. I need to give myself an extra boost of encouragement and discipline because I have a race this Sunday!

Along with my love of our running group comes my next small excitement! Tie Dye T-Shirts!! Most of our small group is running together in a 5k in April, as part of the GO! St. Louis weekend. So, we decided it would be super fun to have matching shirts made for the event! (Can I just say how much I L.O.V.E. matching tshirts!!) I actually remembered to bring them this morning, so I can distribute them tonight! They are awesomely tie dye! Hot pink and yellow, with navy letters that say “You don’t have to be fast…you just have to be movin’!! -Jon Gibson”. This is the perfect quote for our group right now because we have runners of all different speeds and levels. Also, I think it’s super funny that we have the quote of one of our (Jaime’s) husbands! The best part is, the dots over the i’s are little hearts and instead of a dash before Jon’s name, it’s another heart. So it looks like we really love Jon. And if you know Jon, you know he isn’t exactly the lovey dovey, hearts and flowers kind of guy! Hahaha. I’ll make sure to post a picture of our group whenever we all have our new shirts on! (O:

On to my scale…it said 182 this morning!! While this isn’t exactly a weight to be proud of, nor excited over, I am. I am excited because that is down 3 pounds from this time last week! I know my weight tends to fluctuate a bit, but it’s the small victories that keep me going! (O:

Now…Let’s talk hair! None of you know this (except Elise), but I haven’t been styling my hair so far this week. With Emilia waking up several times at night and just not doing well right now, I am getting less sleep. This leads to my daily decision to reset my alarm for a later time. In turn, I don’t have enough time to fix my hair before E wakes up and it’s time to go. Something about working at a doctor’s office and wearing scrubs every day makes it easier to “let one’s self go”, so to speak. There are mornings where I really don’t care if my hair is done or if I have makeup on, because, let’s face it, no one will know anyway. No one has to see me except my officemates, who look about the same as I do. But, that wasn’t the point of this JOY. I was feeling poopy this morning about not fixing my hair for the second day in a row…because I just figured it looked messy and people could tell I was just being lazy. Enter, ELISE! She paid me a very nice complement on my hair this morning, with no prodding from me at all. She said she actually thinks it looks cute, kinda wavy, etc. Yay for not being as big of a slob as I thought!! (O: (Thanks again Elise, you made my morning!) (O:

Lastly, in one short hour I will be picking up the invitations for Emilia’s 1st Birthday Party from Walmart!! I had a friend, Chrissy @ Christina Studio Designs create these adorable invitations based off something we found online and I love them! They are perfect and I am so excited to get them shipped out. If you ever need anything created, Chrissy is your gal! (She also has a great etsy site with so many cute cards, etc.)

So, that is where I am at so far today. It’s going to be a great day!