The Weight of Uncertainty

There are a lot of possible changes in my new future and thoughts of what might be are starting to weigh me down. As most of you know, Jason has been interviewing for positions in churches. He has been called back out to one church, in Herrick, IL, several times now. In fact, this coming week they will have a congregation vote on whether to hire him.

This is a very exciting time for us, for many reasons. First, Jason has been striving to find a church family for us to work with for some time now. I could see him starting to get very discouraged at how responses had been going. But now!! We might actually have found the place God wants us to go.

With that, though, comes a certain amount of stress. I am not typically one who worries about the unknown- especially in instances such as this, I know God is in control and that He will provide as long as we do what He is calling us to do. This time is different, I have to admit.

There is A LOT swirling through my head- health insurance, bills, budgeting a new(smaller) salary, moving, leaving friends, leaving family, the list goes on. Amidst all this, though, I have one very happy thought- if all works out as we hope, I will be able to stay home and raise Emilia myself!!! Man, I can’t tell you how excited I am about this!!! I have always wanted to be able to stay home with my kids and take care of them myself, as well as take care of the house, cooking, etc. It looks like if Jason gets the job at this church, this dream will become a reality!

And while I am beyond ecstatic about this, it has stresses of its own. This means quitting my job to move. I love my job and I love the people I work for. I hate feeling like I’m letting anyone down by leaving. (I know they won’t be mad or anything, because they all know that Jason has been sending out resumes). It also means leaving behind the life I have known for the past 18+ years. I grew up in the church we are currently attending, and even though I may not agree with everything that happens there all the time, it is still my home. The elders of our church, and one minister in particular, looked over my as a child as if I were their own daughter. Rick has been more of a father to me at times than my own. Add to that the fact that I still get to see most of my childhood friends on a weekly basis and then all the new friends I have made along the way and you’ll see how this place is practically my whole life. I always knew I would eventually be leaving with Jason for a new job, but it doesn’t take away the sting.

I am scared of being lonely. I am scared that I will struggle to find new people I can call friends, or even just people I see every so often that I enjoy and that enjoy me. I have already started researching local MOPS groups and even thought about taking a Zooma class as a way to meet new people. But, let’s face it, I’m not the world’s greatest at meeting new people. I am also thinking of getting myself a sewing machine, in hopes of maybe picking up a hobby to help me cope with a new, slower, less people-oriented lifestyle. (And yes, I know I will be part of a new church. But, this congregation’s median age is probably close to 70. And while they are all lovely people, and I look forward to getting to know them, I cannot see deep friendships blossoming in large numbers there. This is more about me needing to redirect my energy and work on being OK with some “alone” time)

I feel like I need to apologize, I think this might be getting a tad whiney. That really wasn’t my intention. I was merely trying to relate my feelings of nervousness, stress and uncertainty. I hope you aren’t too annoyed by reading this. And also, I hope you still know that I am completely thankful that God is bringing this (possible) opportunity our way!