Well, it's official. Emilia has changed my life in a way I never knew possible! Ever since she was born I've been a weepy mess. Yes, me. Annie- the one who never cries, the one who was dead inside and had no heart. I'm officially a cry baby.
Today was Emilia's first day at daycare and it wasn't easy. I cried the first day I left her at my mom's house too, but this one was worse. I'm using the same in-home daycare that Jaime takes Jax to and I know Emilia is in good hands. I know I can trust them to take good care of her, but it's just not the same as her staying with Grandma.
I made it almost all the way into my van before breaking into tears today though. Jaime got there with Jax about the same time I got there, so we walked out together. Jaime was talking to me a little and I couldn't do anything by one word responses...I tried to get a whole sentence out and could feel my voice start to quiver and the lump start rising in my throat. So, I cut myself off and darted for my van. I managed to squeak out a "Have a good day" to my friend, but that's all I could muster.
I have spent a large part of my day today either flipping through the pictures of my sweet baby girl I have on my camera and daydreaming about how she's doing. I also keep reliving my exit today. While I was giving all the instructions to Renata, Emilia started to whine in her carseat. I told Renata and her assistant (can't remember her name...) that she just hates her carseat. The assistant said something about her probably needing a diaper change and had the other assistant get her out and take her to change her diaper. I'm not overly concerned, but I'm fairly positive she didn't need a diaper change seeing as I had changed her right before we left. And the 1st assistant didn't even really check her before saying that's what it was. But, like I said, I'm not really too concerned over it- I'd rather it be that than them leaving her in a stinky one for hours! But, the part I keep reliving is I had to walk into the changing area to sneak a hug and a kiss before Assistant #2 started changing her. It was really sad because I'm used to extra hugs and kisses before handing her off. I could linger at mom's if I wanted to and here I feel like I'm supposed to just set her down and go. That will take some getting used to...*sigh*
I would also like to say that I really love Renata today. She called me around 9:30 just to let me know she was back from her errands and Emilia was having a great morning. I really appreciated her calling me, I need that.
Oh, I've also learned today that I deal with my emotions by shopping...there's lots of good stuff on ebay today. (haha...)
Only 2 hours until Jason's picking her up from daycare. Then we do it all over again tomorrow. It's going to be hard to let anyone hold her at small group, I know I'll just want to cuddle her all night!
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3 comments:
You are NEVER supposed to "just set her down and go"!!! Never let a daycare provider rush you - you are her Mama and you take as long as you want to say good-bye. If they have a problem with that then it's their problem, not yours. She needs to feel secure and you need to feel good about who is taking care of her. As a mama who went back to work 2 out of 3 babies, you and Emilia will be fine but you will never like leaving her. Hang in there, Sweetie! (-:
aaawwww! you're like me! an emotional basket case (too bad i was already like that before jax entered the picture). maybe ask renata is she minds that you take her out of her car seat and place her in the bouncer / saucer/ seat / recliner thing (i don't know what they're called since jax never had one). i'm pretty sure that i typically took jax out of his car seat and handed him off to someone... it helps to know that she is being held and loved on by someone when you are leaving rather than worrying about how long she'll be stuck in the car seat. you do what you feel is best, you're the momma nad you've done well (so far).
love you friend. (did that make you cry? i hope so!)
I don't believe that you were ever dead inside :)
I just think sometimes we're told to "be brave" or we feel like we have to---and that means no crying, or just no emotion. So even though you wouldn't necessarily cry, those feelings would be pent up. (That's how it was for me anyway!)
When you're pregnant and a new momma----it's a whole new ball game because of the hormones. There's no controlling it even if you wanted to. And I think that's almost better, because sometimes you just need the release!
So I say: Cry as much as you want! It's good for you! :)
And I can't imagine how hard it would be to leave your baby girl at day care. Is your mom not watching her anymore because she got a job?
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