Yesterday I was really craving Ruffles potato chips. Pre-preggo, I wasn't a plain potato chip kinda gal at all, but something about their salty goodness was just calling my name! We didn't have any at work (Usually chips are gone the same day Sam's delivers them...), so I texted my loving, wonderful husband and asked him to pick me up a bag on his lunch break. I did this instead of getting them myself because I had small group last night and don't really like stopping anywhere after dark by myself. Call, me paranoid if you must, but I just prefer to save any shopping for daytime hours when I'm less likely to get mugged for looking like a big, fat, easy target.
So anyway, He didn't end up getting home before I went to bed, but this morning TA DA! He is so good to me, he remembered! I was so excited that I packed up a big baggie of them to take to work. Then, I went to put the rest of the bag in our pantry to await my return home (at which time I knew I would be wanting more...) Do you want to know what I found in our pantry...2 WHOLE BAGS OF RUFFLES POTATO CHIPS!!!! I started cracking up! I had no idea we still had any chips left in there, because like I said, I would never touch plain chips before this craving attacked me. So, once again, crazy pregnant lady is on the loose! (O:
Then, today I decided that after work I wanted to run into Once Upon A Child and check out their maternity clothing. I've had a couple suggestions to check that place out, and today was the day. I'm sick of trying to squeeze into regular people t-shirts that I purchased in bigger sizes thinking that would work. It did for a while, but I'm officially past that stage in belly bump size. I've checked any store that sells maternity clothing for short sleeved t-shirts that I could put under my scrubs...to no avail. Of course, it IS the middle of winter, and only crazy people (yes, like me) would even think of wearing short sleeves. So, this was my last resort and it *somewhat* paid off. I spent over an hour in there...there was only 1 rack of shirts in my size to look through...the rest of my time was picking out the CuTeSt little baby girl clothes that were marked half off and were all name brand. Then, I'd feel guilty because that wasn't what I was supposed to be looking at, so I would go put them all back only to have something else catch my eye and start the whole cycle over again!
In the end, I made it out with 2 t-shirts for mommy and 1 top for Emilia. (O: I was very proud of myself, I showed great restaint. (Even if I did leave with something not on my list...that was better than a LOT of things not on my list!) (O:
But, as I walked to my car, it hit me...I am an extremely emotional shopper. I truly love shopping and finding a good deal. Anytime I get a bargain, I'm thrilled and it really can make a whole day turn around. The other side of that coin isn't as exciting though...when I don't find what I'm looking for, or if the deals aren't that great, I get really sad. I left that store today pretty put out that out of all the maternity tops there, I still only managed to find 2 tops that could work...and one of them I'm not really crazy about.
Part of it is probably the constant, unavoidable feelings of insecurity about my size. I know, I know, it's a wonderful gift and a miraculous experience. (And I do believe that this is a great experience with a wonderful blessing only 3 months away) But, my point is that it doesn't matter how excited I am about having my baby girl and being a momma- I'm still big and round and have started getting stretch marks in places I wasn't expecting. One can't help but feel insecure in a state like this. Everywhere around us, we are shown what "beauty" looks like- what WE should look like. I never bought into all of it before. I've always been *somewhat* confident in myself, or at least knew that I was a child of God and that was all the acceptance I needed. Well, now it's different (probably the hormones)...when even the pregnant celebrities look flawless it makes me sick. And I know they are airbrushed and have personal trainers, but an emotional wreck of a pregnant person can't help but feel a little sad sometimes. That's all.
OK- so that went on a tangent I was completely not expecting...sorry about that. Please don't think I'm being a whiny baby. I just kept typing and that's what came out. I really am so thankful that God has blessed us with our baby and I know all these changes are part of that process. Like my quote says "Sometimes you need a place to be exactly who you are without apologies or limitations". And that right there was one of those moments for me...
I'll be happier tomorrow, promise. (O:
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2 comments:
oh Annie, you are beautiful, and even more so during the miracle of bringing a new life into this world.. you are allowed all the emotions you want.. go with it :), you have a good excuse for all of them for now!! You will look back on all of this and laugh someday soon. Im glad you blog your emotional moments, they are sweet. Keep that smile going girl, its only a little while longer and that baby will be here!
you, my dear sweet firend, are an emotional train wreck. i lov eit! i love that pregnancy hormones kicked out that whole "dead inside" thing... which you were never dead inside but just never were an emotional person. (were you not hugged as a child?)
anyway, i'm sorry you're getting those stretch marks.. and i'm sorry that they'll be stuck with you forever. (oh, should i not have said that? darn!)
but really, honestly, you look beautiful, not fat, not even in your face. (and celebrities are airbirsuhed, private cheffed and personal trainered and probably have an assistant that dresses them and does there make-up to make them look not-so-pregnant-lady-ish.)
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